Forward by Abbi
Some questions are meant to be answered promptly. In grade school your teacher writes on the board “2+2=?” and immediately you and all the other children pop up your hands - waiving down the eyes of Mr./Ms. <insert name here> to answer “4!”
Then, there are other questions that ask us to ponder…. These questions deserve a different approach, one that pushes past the engrained instant gratification of our societal upbringing to awaken our deeper instinct and trust. Questions that remind us that sometimes it is not the answer that is important, but rather, the question itself.
To be a person that walks in the awareness of not knowing the answer, but knowing that the question must be asked, takes bravery. It can be easier to sit in complacency, but your higher self and the keys it holds to an actualized life begs you to be brave.
You will find a question such as this in the piece that follows. A poetic descent into honest investigation - one that extends the invitation to its reader, asking us “Will you go there too?”
Respect by Barbara
I’ve found myself enamored.
Lost in love, not for a person but a question.
A question that holds both mystery and clarity.
What do I want?
I packed up. Left “home.”
And followed that question like an arrow.
As if it is a living compass pointing me to places.
The first place my want took me was a merger.
My solo and siloed identities starting to melt together.
Slowly, oh so slowly, they are becoming one and I’m becoming whole.
A stage name, an artist, an executive, a lover, a friend, a boss, a brother, a son.
A girly boy, a feminine man, a gay, a queer.
A DJ, a producer, a writer, a director, a manager.
The blend of me.
It lives beyond identifying with one gender.
Its truth lives inside my all-ness.
My work now is, not to achieve but, to allow.
When I ask myself about my want,
Allow myself the answer
And honestly, the answer has always has been clear.
My want wasn’t unknown.
It was not respected.
I live inside my story on why I can’t take the action.
This - is the gap, the divide, the distance
It is filled with the empty reasons I use to over ride.
As a little queer kid, I was divorced from my core want.
Walled off from, afraid of, ashamed.
In so many ways, I still am.
If I close the gap, if I make the move.
I fear there is something to loose.
Hiding is best tool to use.
Yet, my want invited me to merge.
To blur and to blend.
To wear dangling earrings in work meetings.
So I introduce myself to the future as I am.
The name I was given meant brave.
So I will be brave and use the name I want.
Then, I hid to keep my family, my food and my house.
Now, I hide to keep my job, my food and my house.
Will I stop hiding to keep my heart, my happiness, my soul?
Keep my head down, focus, be rational
Trade my want now to have my want in the future
Suppress my want 9-5 to purchase my want 24/7
Look like us, act like us - in exchange, we respect you
Say you want, what we want- in exchange, we trust you
Follow rules, never embarrass - in exchange, we keep you
My want is dangerous because it is so clear.
My want is dangerous because it grows louder.
My want is dangerous because it scares me.
I am willing to be a student of my strong-willed wants.
I will stop asking my wants to shut up - to only speak when spoken too.
Until not a single want is left silenced, silo’d or caged.
What do I want most? To respect my own want.This week in a project named Barbara.
We’re dropping the video of our live set on YouTube THIS WEEKEND — Whoop Whoop. This was our Back-to-Back headline set at Boomtown Brewery in DTLA, and it’s a huge milestone for us. It represents years of hard work and passion, all focused on sharing this vision with the dance music community. I’m beyond excited to finally share this with you. Massive thank you to Des and Justin for bringing this video to life — it was a huge project, and they turned it into something truly magical.
Share this post