I love to dance. My first email address was danseenboy at juno. I remember my first night clubs and my first music festival as spiritual awakenings. Mowing the lawn with David Guetta in my headset was the only silver lining to house chores. I would listen to his album Nothing But The Beat as I cut the grass into pretty shapes.
When I fell for house music, it was head over metallic gold heels.
If you have the privilege of dancing with a DJ that’s fully riding your wave, you have trust. You know that you are going to get deeper into your inner trance. Through these times, you can softly work out what you need to in your head. You can feel the music through the lights. The subs vibrate your bones. The sweat leaving you somehow cleanses the mental shit that you’ve been carrying with you. You are swimming in nothing but happiness - like a freediver far from the surface.
In this body, I carry the soul of a DJ. If I have a calling, it’s to be a shaman of the house, and I worship at the altar of big fat bass. Realizing this calling has felt like walking from New York to Hawaii.
And most days, I am doing my best to just tiptoing toward Hawaii.
What do I want? I don’t even need to ask the question because the “what” has been living in me for so long. On the other hand - how do I live my want? That’s a question that has beat me up and left me black and blue on the side of the road.
Let me tell you that this wrestling match with my greatest want over the last decade has helped me find a unique offering to bring forward to my fellow dancers. I wish I could say that I allowed the long process to take place in my life organically. That’s not true. I didn’t allow it - I just didn’t have a choice. I tried everything…I fought it, accepted it, denied it, ignored it - didn’t matter. It haunts me to this day. But I am genuinely proud of what came out of the decade long wrestling match with my want. Creating this hybrid dance experience with my DJ set playing with a live band plus featured artists made the moment come alive.
As I practice being in devotion to my want, there is a new question that will rule my life. I will stop asking how I live my want (still don’t have any idea, and I still struggle with a gap between me and my calling) instead, I’m going to ask:
Am I heading in the direction of my want?
Along the way, I am meeting lots of other people all doing their best to follow their inner arrow of want. Not a single one of us has any clue how we live our want full time. But maybe, if we hold hands and help each other, we can find the courage to take the next step toward our personal Hawaii. And if you come with us, I promise that you’ll at least be dancing as you tiptoe in the direction of your greatest want.
A Project Named Barbara is going to Dallas. We are flying to meet the artist Budha for the first time in May in celebration of the new house single (releasing 5/22) called Therapy. Also, BARBARAboy is proudly participating in AwareHaus Garden Variety by Emmett Patton on May 18 in Mid City. It’s a fundraiser for this beautiful queer creativity and conscious community. Join us. DM Barbara or Emmett.
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